Hey ya'll. Its been far too long since I have written an update on my "journey with cancer." I have the day off work, so I thought I would whine here for awhile.
My treatments have been going well. Every three weeks I get a bag of some liquid for four hours and then the next day I get one bag of chemo for an hour. Every Monday, I go to Barnes to visit my doctor to have my blood checked and every week my results come back fantastic. All my numbers are in the middle and my crew says I am doing great.
So great, that I am having a pet scan next week to see if my tumor has shrunk enough to stop the chemo part of my treatment.
Fingers crossed.
Because chemo is bullshit.
I am tired all the time. Too tired to go out with friends, clean my house, hell even too tired to go to dinner.
And then I have the taste in my mouth. Metal. It won't go away. Every time I swallow it makes me more sick. I am constantly sucking on sour lemon candies or chewing gum just to neutralize the rancid taste. And just when I think it is gone, my tongue runs across a random tooth and the taste comes back again even stronger.
I get insanely jealous of healthy people. They are just walking along doing healthy things, going to raves, concerts, house parties, and here I am just fighting to keep my eyes open.
Oh, I go to parties, my own pity parties. I sit at home and cry to my husband about how crappy I feel. He is forced to listen to me endlessly whine since we are legally married and all - it is a husbandly duty. And girl I love to whine. I lay in my chair and moan and groan and make him bring me my gum.
In the beginning of my treatment, I loved going to work, but even that has been a challenge of late. I love my job, but just the sheer amount of energy it takes to move my giant hulk of a body around drains me to the core. I have not been my usual chipper Jim and I hate it. I walk around like a zombie with a PITIFUL look on my face and heavy lidded eyes. I honestly don't know how my fellow employees find the mercy to deal with me.
Then there are the sweats - minimal, but they come on like a fright train and leave like last night's trick.
And the usual main suspect - no taste. I can't taste anything and THAT makes me want to cry the most. I miss the taste of food. So much. So fucking much.
And for some reason, I miss my mom. She has been dead for several decades, and we were never particularity close but I miss her. Nate has been my rock and totally supportive, but sometimes a boy needs his mom. Now if the rest of my estranged "family" is reading this - THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP. You are where I need you and I don't need you showing up on my doorstep.
I think I just miss the idea of my mom being around. It is a moment of weakness and it will soon pass. In fact, this whole post is a moment of weakness. I know you all have your crosses to bear, but I just wanted some attention so I posted this hot mess of a cancer update.
Just know that I will beat this, but today, I am having a down day. I wish I could be more positive, but them the breaks.
God, I hate this taste in my mouth.
Jim
