Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Just a few updates and some whining for now.

My sense of taste is almost gone. I can still taste a few things, but overall food is bland. And when you can't taste, chewing is well, not very enjoyable. I called my doctor's office about this and they said it is a normal side effect. They have a cookbook for me that should have some interesting textural dishes. We shall see about that. At the mere sight of a vegetable, I become like a vampire.

The insomnia is more intermittent. My straight male nurse Kyle put me on Ativan and it seems to be working somewhat. I can get like three hours of sleep now.

The movements have been happening more. Thanks to Mirilax for making such a wonderful product.

But now on the downside, I have been noting that I am making moves to become more isolated. I don't know why. But I am returning less texts, hardly getting on any social media, and just basically occupying my easy chair for the night.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but it is some sort of defense mechanism that kicks in automatically. I know I should be more active, but the fatigue takes a toll on me. All I can do is sit and feel sorry for myself. That is until I see a person that is worse off than me - which is often - and I leave my pity party for the time being.

I know this is temporary. They caught it. I can get treatment. There are people in the world with life threatening problems. I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with life.

And the bills have finally started pouring in. THAT has also added to my insomnia. I worry all the time about the bills. Nate has assured me that all will be fine, but this condition is expensive to treat.

Oh, and I got a letter from UnitedHealthcare telling me I am approved for the time being, but I can be tapped out of the system once I hit the limits. THAT has me freaked out.

So no taste, intermittent insomnia and constipation, bills coming due, and bouts of instant fatigue. Yay cancer.

And this port is annoying me.

The ONE upswing is that I am losing weight. I know I am losing it the wrong way, but I have to have one point of light to hang my hat on.

I wish I had more positive news, but this is the reality of it.

I am binge watching past seasons of Survivor. Once I beat cancer, I have to know how to beat Survivor. Just wait until Jeff Probst gets a load of me.

A rather unremarkable update

So those stupid fucking side effects kept on coming - ALL FUCKING WEEK.

I should have kept my mouth shut, I was tempting fate.

I am such a wanker.

All this week - since my first chemo treatment I have felt like shit. Aches and pains? Check.

Flu like symptoms including stomach pains, hot fevers and cold chills? Check.

Stopped up nose? Check.

Raging insomnia forcing me to walk around my house until I pass out? Check.

Power outages that come on so suddenly I feel like I need someone to constantly walk behind me to catch me in case I faint? Check.

It all sucks and that is why I haven't blogged anything in awhile. Once I get home from work all I do is get in my PJ's, sweatshirt and huddle under the magic comforter while Nate finds interesting shows on Hulu and Netflix to keep me entertained.

I get in fits or rage as I see all of you healthy people doing healthy things with your healthy friends as you have fabulously healthy lives.

I also got irrationally mad at a woman who was smoking outside of a Deirberg's. I wanted to walk up to her and yell at her about how I am going through chemo and here she is just smoking it up. But then I thought better of it and realized she is just getting through life the best way she knows how.

But she did piss me off as I walked though a puff of her nasty ass smoke. At least smoke a brand dearie, not some cheap ass bullshit.

The insomnia is one of the hardest aspects. Time has become fleeting and meaningless. The hours click by and I sit in my chair awake, frustrated, and afraid. Not sleeping at night has lead to me being groggy and sluggish during the day which makes me more frustrated and afraid. It really is the true mental killer.

I have only slept in my bed with my husband once in the last week. I sleep in the living room since all I do is toss and turn and I don't want to keep him up - I would feel too guilty.

I can feel my fevers come on a mile away. They all suck. I can feel the nausea creep up my throat and my skin start to burn. There is a muscle in my neck that tenses up and a sense of doom that creeps into my mind that I can't shake.

I become completely cynical and hateful and could cut a bitch with a look. I will blog about a cancer cluster that I sensed the other night, but even now, the fatigue is creeping into my fingers screaming at me to go lie down and watch RuPual's Drag Race All-Stars on a loop on Hulu.

THIS IS WHAT CANCER IS - a big ole fucking ball of sunshine.

That's me.

Ho! Side Effects Ahead

Had my second round of chemo today. Just a quick half-hour and I was out the door.

I had my scheduled lunch with my gal pal Yvi who is such a special soul. Just being in her presence nourishes my soul. As I have said before, friend therapy is the best kind of therapy.

I drove home and crashed on the couch watching old seasons of Survivor on Hulu. I am watching Cook Islands and damn if I don't love Parv more! I have watched every season of Survivor and it is on my Make-A-Wish list to be on the show. We will see how that goes.

I didn't get to sleep until 3am the previous night and I was kind of zonked.

I woke up to nauseousness.

***DISCLAIMER - UNSAVORY BITS AHEAD***

I have a golf ball sized lump of lymph nodes sitting on my lower bowel. I think it is obstructing my ability to use the restroom as I have been battling intermittent constipation. Every bout leaves me mentally and physically exhausted.

When you can't go, nothing else in life matters. It consumes my every thought. When I think I have to go, I scamper to the bathroom but leave unfulfilled - or is it overfilled?

I have been eating regularly, so why no output? My doctor confirmed today that it is probably the work of the golf ball and gave me some medication to help the movements commence.

I also developed a minor fever and am sneezing. So here come the side effects I thought I artfully dodged. As I was praising myself to my doctor about how awesome my body is and I am having no side effects he warned me not to claim victory too soon as sometimes the side effects may take a day or two to develop.

Damn him - damn him all to hell. Why is he always right?

As fate would have it, it is 10:30 and I am sitting here - feverish, achy, stopped up, and nauseous. I guess that burrito wants to come out one end or the other.

This sucks donkey balls. I am not a good sick person. So I took my first PP (poop pill) at 2:30 this afternoon and I am anxiously waiting for 2:30am to hit so I can pop another one.

See how whiny I am in this post? In real life I am 10x worse.

I want my mommy.

Captain Chemo!

As nervous as I was about today it was all for nothing. Everything went really really well.

My port went in without a hitch. In fact my doctor said I have a "textbook vein" and commented how easy the procedure was going to go. 

Then after me making sweet food love to not one - but two - soft pretzels - they really were outstanding - my friend Kate and I ventured up to the Cancer Care Center. After a short wait, I was ushered to my suite and the dripping began. 

My nurse, Ashley, we nothing short of outstanding. She used my nifty new port and got the chemo party started. Once I got my drip on, she offered me a buffet of delectable delights. I had my pick of ice cream, popsickles, chips, and sandwiches. I ate like a king. I even pulled of a successful Patsy impersonation when she asked me what flavor of ice cream I wanted and I said (with attitude) "Both!"  

I have to give it up to my friend Kate. She stayed with me the whole day. We haven't seen each other for a hot minute, and it was the best kind of friend therapy a boy could ask for. We got caught up and then it was ON! We talked and talked and talked about anything and everything. 

Our topics included:

Family history stories. She wins. Her stories inspired me and made me see her as an even stronger warrior and person. 

Some projects I am working on for the future and how excited I am about them. 

I am going nowhere bitches! EVIL NEVER DIES. 

What a complete and utter schmuck Donald Trump is. 

Our positions on how we feel about Caitlyn Jenner. (Side eye glance)

How much we both love Yadi.

How much I love my job and I finally feel sorted about my career. 

Our pics and stories of our rescuers. I mean, Parker and Sherlock totally rescued me, right? 

The difference between knitting and crocheting. There IS a difference!  Kate crocheted a gorgeous hat just in the - somewhat short - time I was getting my port put in. 

I mean, we covered it all. I am positive the other patients were completely annoyed by our lively and constant chatter. 

Sorry about that, but I am a gabber! 

Every half hour I got my vitals checked. They were always "fine" but you know me - I am a competitor. My nurse marveled at how I tried to get a perfect blood pressure reading of 120/80. I came close a few times but I failed. She said she has never had anyone compete with themselves in this manner - it brought her much laughter. The best I got was like 117/76. I can - and will do better. 

One of the reasons I think I didn't get perfect is because I sent Nate on a quest to the cafeteria to get me a burger and fries. I was too busy gabbing with Kate to realize that Nate took the wrong set of elevators which sent him to the totally wrong place in the hospital. I started getting text messages that he was lost and I went into a panic. I just sent my husband in the wrong direction an now he was lost in Barnes. I was so worried! He finally found his way back and we laughed about the mistake. I blame it on my cancer. 

Then more ice cream and chips and gabbing and I got my second bag of chemo. This is when I got schooled. Ashley informed my how my first bag, Rituximab, is more of a bio therapy and this second bag was the read deal chemotherapy. I grew a bit colder, but I was fine. 

In fact I was fine all day. I was told to expect massive flu like symptoms, but I didn't even have a stuffed up nose. I was perplexed - I want to be like everyone else. Ashley tried to console me by telling me it was better that I wasn't getting sick and not to worry about it. I SHOULD have been glad and relieved. But I wasn't. What is up with my obsession to be like everyone else? THAT needs to be examined. 

I think there are several factors that lead me to not being " cancer normal":

I am still relatively young. 

They caught my cancer in its early stages. 

I am weird. Like my emotions, my body is either 100% on or 100% off. I have no middle ground. I am normally resilient and healthy, but when I get sick stay away from me. I am not a happy sick person. 

They pre-loaded my body with tons of antibiotics and anti-nausea medicine. 

All of these combined with the fact that I fail at most things in life kind of make sense to me. Plus, I kept telling Ashley that since I didn't have ANY of the usual side-effects, I probably don't have cancer and I somehow mentally manifested these test results into being. My mind is a truly powerful tool. Maybe too powerful. 

Nevertheless, after my last bag of life saving chemicals and one more check of the never perfect vitals, I all but ran out of the chemo zone. Its not that didn't like the place - quite the opposite it was a very positive, comforting place - I was tired of sitting on my ass. I wanted to get home and get some puppy therapy and watch K-Pop Star. 

Many thanks to Nate and Kate - hey look at that! - they really kept my spirits up all day. But also thank you to everyone who blew up my phone with texts, FB messages, and likes of my photos. All of your love and kind words made me feel like a Cancerlebrity! (Nate came up with that one!) 

But for reals, your love washed over me and I have never felt so special. Thanks to all of you. You made this queer feel like a queen today. 

Special note to my friend - Greg Matzker - for coming up with the best pun of the day. He sent me a message saying, "How you doing ChemoSabe?" THAT gets the blue ribbon of the day. Keep the puns coming! I love it! 

On the way to the car I noticed two things: 1) My back no longer ached when I walked and I actually felt good. (Just as my doctor had predicted.) and 

2) taking a flight of stairs sucked the wind out of me - completely. It felt as if I had Fat Albert legs and each step was growing exponentially harder. I could barely manage ONE flight of stairs. Even when I got home, going up the stairs took the wind out of me.

I will take THAT as a well-earned side effect.

Throw in my never ending battle of constipation and I will put a gold star on today! I even made plans with friends to have lunches for the next two days! I am such a rock star! 

So just one half-hour of more radiation chemotherapy on Tuesday and then I get to wisk off, put on my sunglasses and wait for my lunch date at a very posh restaurant. I should really call ahead to make sure they have extra security on standby. 

I just hope now that I bragged about my non-side effects having ass doesn't get me knocked off my ass, have to cancel lunch, and head home with my tail tucked between my Fat Albert legs.

That sounds about right. 

And so it begins....

Well, I get my port put in today.

I know that in of itself is not a big deal, but it kind of is to me.

I get my port put in and then I get my introductory round of chemotherapy.

No going back.

I had a slight anxiety attack today where I wanted to call my doctor and ask him, " Like are you for sure FOR SURE I have this kind of cancer?"

What if I just lost weight? Would that be the solution? Or what if I just learn to live with the pain? Is chemo REALLY the right path for me?

But then I came to my senses and realized I am in the best care I can be and this will all work out. I am surrounded by great friends, I have an amazing husband, and I am getting the best treatment possible.

But - for me - tomorrow is a watershed moment in my life. Everything is going to change. I am sure I am going to be exhausted and sick as a dog tomorrow night. But maybe I won't. I mean, when Samantha - in Sex and the City - had her chemo, her and her girlfriends all sat around in couture and sucked on pop sickles.  I don't remember any scenes with her throwing up or even looking sick. That's real life, right?

I guess the upside is that my pain in both sides of my lower back will be gone somewhat. But I am NOT looking forward to being sick or being off work. I am off work for the next three days.

I hope my customers don't forget me.