Captain Chemo!

As nervous as I was about today it was all for nothing. Everything went really really well.

My port went in without a hitch. In fact my doctor said I have a "textbook vein" and commented how easy the procedure was going to go. 

Then after me making sweet food love to not one - but two - soft pretzels - they really were outstanding - my friend Kate and I ventured up to the Cancer Care Center. After a short wait, I was ushered to my suite and the dripping began. 

My nurse, Ashley, we nothing short of outstanding. She used my nifty new port and got the chemo party started. Once I got my drip on, she offered me a buffet of delectable delights. I had my pick of ice cream, popsickles, chips, and sandwiches. I ate like a king. I even pulled of a successful Patsy impersonation when she asked me what flavor of ice cream I wanted and I said (with attitude) "Both!"  

I have to give it up to my friend Kate. She stayed with me the whole day. We haven't seen each other for a hot minute, and it was the best kind of friend therapy a boy could ask for. We got caught up and then it was ON! We talked and talked and talked about anything and everything. 

Our topics included:

Family history stories. She wins. Her stories inspired me and made me see her as an even stronger warrior and person. 

Some projects I am working on for the future and how excited I am about them. 

I am going nowhere bitches! EVIL NEVER DIES. 

What a complete and utter schmuck Donald Trump is. 

Our positions on how we feel about Caitlyn Jenner. (Side eye glance)

How much we both love Yadi.

How much I love my job and I finally feel sorted about my career. 

Our pics and stories of our rescuers. I mean, Parker and Sherlock totally rescued me, right? 

The difference between knitting and crocheting. There IS a difference!  Kate crocheted a gorgeous hat just in the - somewhat short - time I was getting my port put in. 

I mean, we covered it all. I am positive the other patients were completely annoyed by our lively and constant chatter. 

Sorry about that, but I am a gabber! 

Every half hour I got my vitals checked. They were always "fine" but you know me - I am a competitor. My nurse marveled at how I tried to get a perfect blood pressure reading of 120/80. I came close a few times but I failed. She said she has never had anyone compete with themselves in this manner - it brought her much laughter. The best I got was like 117/76. I can - and will do better. 

One of the reasons I think I didn't get perfect is because I sent Nate on a quest to the cafeteria to get me a burger and fries. I was too busy gabbing with Kate to realize that Nate took the wrong set of elevators which sent him to the totally wrong place in the hospital. I started getting text messages that he was lost and I went into a panic. I just sent my husband in the wrong direction an now he was lost in Barnes. I was so worried! He finally found his way back and we laughed about the mistake. I blame it on my cancer. 

Then more ice cream and chips and gabbing and I got my second bag of chemo. This is when I got schooled. Ashley informed my how my first bag, Rituximab, is more of a bio therapy and this second bag was the read deal chemotherapy. I grew a bit colder, but I was fine. 

In fact I was fine all day. I was told to expect massive flu like symptoms, but I didn't even have a stuffed up nose. I was perplexed - I want to be like everyone else. Ashley tried to console me by telling me it was better that I wasn't getting sick and not to worry about it. I SHOULD have been glad and relieved. But I wasn't. What is up with my obsession to be like everyone else? THAT needs to be examined. 

I think there are several factors that lead me to not being " cancer normal":

I am still relatively young. 

They caught my cancer in its early stages. 

I am weird. Like my emotions, my body is either 100% on or 100% off. I have no middle ground. I am normally resilient and healthy, but when I get sick stay away from me. I am not a happy sick person. 

They pre-loaded my body with tons of antibiotics and anti-nausea medicine. 

All of these combined with the fact that I fail at most things in life kind of make sense to me. Plus, I kept telling Ashley that since I didn't have ANY of the usual side-effects, I probably don't have cancer and I somehow mentally manifested these test results into being. My mind is a truly powerful tool. Maybe too powerful. 

Nevertheless, after my last bag of life saving chemicals and one more check of the never perfect vitals, I all but ran out of the chemo zone. Its not that didn't like the place - quite the opposite it was a very positive, comforting place - I was tired of sitting on my ass. I wanted to get home and get some puppy therapy and watch K-Pop Star. 

Many thanks to Nate and Kate - hey look at that! - they really kept my spirits up all day. But also thank you to everyone who blew up my phone with texts, FB messages, and likes of my photos. All of your love and kind words made me feel like a Cancerlebrity! (Nate came up with that one!) 

But for reals, your love washed over me and I have never felt so special. Thanks to all of you. You made this queer feel like a queen today. 

Special note to my friend - Greg Matzker - for coming up with the best pun of the day. He sent me a message saying, "How you doing ChemoSabe?" THAT gets the blue ribbon of the day. Keep the puns coming! I love it! 

On the way to the car I noticed two things: 1) My back no longer ached when I walked and I actually felt good. (Just as my doctor had predicted.) and 

2) taking a flight of stairs sucked the wind out of me - completely. It felt as if I had Fat Albert legs and each step was growing exponentially harder. I could barely manage ONE flight of stairs. Even when I got home, going up the stairs took the wind out of me.

I will take THAT as a well-earned side effect.

Throw in my never ending battle of constipation and I will put a gold star on today! I even made plans with friends to have lunches for the next two days! I am such a rock star! 

So just one half-hour of more radiation chemotherapy on Tuesday and then I get to wisk off, put on my sunglasses and wait for my lunch date at a very posh restaurant. I should really call ahead to make sure they have extra security on standby. 

I just hope now that I bragged about my non-side effects having ass doesn't get me knocked off my ass, have to cancel lunch, and head home with my tail tucked between my Fat Albert legs.

That sounds about right.