A rather unremarkable update

So those stupid fucking side effects kept on coming - ALL FUCKING WEEK.

I should have kept my mouth shut, I was tempting fate.

I am such a wanker.

All this week - since my first chemo treatment I have felt like shit. Aches and pains? Check.

Flu like symptoms including stomach pains, hot fevers and cold chills? Check.

Stopped up nose? Check.

Raging insomnia forcing me to walk around my house until I pass out? Check.

Power outages that come on so suddenly I feel like I need someone to constantly walk behind me to catch me in case I faint? Check.

It all sucks and that is why I haven't blogged anything in awhile. Once I get home from work all I do is get in my PJ's, sweatshirt and huddle under the magic comforter while Nate finds interesting shows on Hulu and Netflix to keep me entertained.

I get in fits or rage as I see all of you healthy people doing healthy things with your healthy friends as you have fabulously healthy lives.

I also got irrationally mad at a woman who was smoking outside of a Deirberg's. I wanted to walk up to her and yell at her about how I am going through chemo and here she is just smoking it up. But then I thought better of it and realized she is just getting through life the best way she knows how.

But she did piss me off as I walked though a puff of her nasty ass smoke. At least smoke a brand dearie, not some cheap ass bullshit.

The insomnia is one of the hardest aspects. Time has become fleeting and meaningless. The hours click by and I sit in my chair awake, frustrated, and afraid. Not sleeping at night has lead to me being groggy and sluggish during the day which makes me more frustrated and afraid. It really is the true mental killer.

I have only slept in my bed with my husband once in the last week. I sleep in the living room since all I do is toss and turn and I don't want to keep him up - I would feel too guilty.

I can feel my fevers come on a mile away. They all suck. I can feel the nausea creep up my throat and my skin start to burn. There is a muscle in my neck that tenses up and a sense of doom that creeps into my mind that I can't shake.

I become completely cynical and hateful and could cut a bitch with a look. I will blog about a cancer cluster that I sensed the other night, but even now, the fatigue is creeping into my fingers screaming at me to go lie down and watch RuPual's Drag Race All-Stars on a loop on Hulu.

THIS IS WHAT CANCER IS - a big ole fucking ball of sunshine.

That's me.