Pre-Surgery Consultation!

I got the call that my surgery would take place on a Friday, but before that could happen I had to attend an Anesthesiology Pre-Screening at Barnes.

What? A pre-screening? *SIGH* Another money grab from Barnes.

Let me tell you - that South garage at Barnes is the money maker. Each time I have had to go to Barnes I have never been able to park anywhere except for the top level. They give you a voucher to help offset the cost, but it only takes off $1.50. The rest of the tab is on you.

I make my way to the Pre-Screening room - which was right past the lunchroom which had to most delicious smelling pizza. Damn you pre-screening!

Once again, I have to fill out form on top of form all of which I have filled out too many times to count.

Vitals were taken, I was weighed AGAIN, and I was ushered back to another examination room. The first nurse I spoke to was lovely. She reminded me of my friend Rich, deep brown puppy dog eyes, and a gentle way of speaking. She and I laughed and shared stories and I  revealed to her that the pain killers I was taking were making me constipated.

She told me of an over the counter drug I could take to counteract it and I will be forever in her debt.

When you can't go - NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. I was even considering contacting Jamie Lee Curtis through Twitter to see if she could hook me up with some Activia.

She asked me about thirty questions and then another woman came in and asked me pretty much the same thirty questions. She was nice enough, but was this a test to see if I was lying to the last woman?

She then gave me a bottle of anti-bacterial soap and - in what could be misconstrued as a condescending tone - gave me the following instructions:

When you take a shower tonight, wash your hair as normal then use a clean washcloth and scrub your entire body from the ears down. Then use a clean towel to dry off. Put clean linens on your bed including pillowcases. Put on clean pajamas and oh, don't let your dogs sleep in your bed tonight.

HOLD THE FUCK UP. NOT LET MY DOGS SLEEP WITH ME? YOU TRIPPIN'!

Then in the morning take another shower, wash you hair as normal, then scrub your entire body from your ears down with another clean washcloth and use another clean towel. Then put on loose fitting clothing and report for your surgery.

At first glance, I was mildly offended that she would have to go into such detail about how to clean my body, but then once I thought about it, I know there are some nasty motherfuckers in STL and I guarantee some of these fuckers turn up for their surgeries smelling like shit.

I followed all the instructions including the fucked up part about not letting my dogs sleep with me. Parker the wonder basset was not having it, but she eventually gave up and retreated to her own bed.

I went to bed but go NO SLEEP. I was kind of freaking out.