The Day I've Had

(Note: This should have been written yesterday, but I had HAD it.)

My morning went well enough, I was in the store selling - something I love to do - then after one phone call from my oncologist's office it ALL unraveled.

I mean soul-draining, sweat-producing, finger nail biting, anxiety ridden, constantly on the verge of tears ball of shit.

No, the nurse - male nurse (oh la la!) - didn't tell me bad news, quite the opposite. He left a message saying that he had gotten my chemo approved through my insurance and we are all set for port insertion on Monday.

That should have put a bounce in my step, right?

But then I kind of freaked out. What if I didn't have insurance? I mean I have had the ACA in the past, but not for this kind of major horizon event. What if Nate's company shuts down and I lose my insurance? What if I get another kind of insurance and Dr. Weiss doesn't accept that kind?

Now keep in mind, that Nate's company is thriving, and I am sure Dr. Weiss works with many insurance companies. But I was in a panic haze and things were deteriorating quickly.

Suddenly, my privilege bubble was contracting a bit too rapidly.

I text Nate, "When you get home from work, please call me, I am having a panic attack."

Then, if you know me, you know I tend to dwell and spiral downward under the fakest of fake smiles as I utter, "I'm good! I'm fine!"

That's just what I do.

But I was at work and I had to keep calm and carry on - which is actually much harder to do that it is to say.

I mustered up a workable game face and this woman comes into to the store to unload her displeasure with one of our items. As she smiled to my face her words were like tiny daggers to my heart. I hate when a customer is unhappy - it really wrenches my heart. We came to an understanding and she left seemingly appeased.

Then Nate calls me at work and I think, "At last! My salvation! I can unload all my anxiety onto Nate!"

This was not going to be that call.

In his own panicked voice he says, "I am in HELL!" I am stuck on the road due to all the roads being shut down to the flooding and I can't get home! Get me home!"

Like Miranda's assistant, "Emily" in "The Devil Wears Prada" I went into work mode and got on the MODOT website but couldn't find a way for him to get home. I was no help to him and he was stranded on the highway with other aggravated motorists.

I just knew he wouldn't call me when he got home and I was going to have to marinate in this anxiety for a long time.

But he did call me when he got home and he let me talk uninterrupted for as long as I needed and never once told me to shut the fuck up. He told me I would always have the best care available to me and that he loved me.

Even after being married for 15 years, whenever Nate tells me he loves me my stomach flips.

The night ended well enough as we passed our daily goal and I came home and melted into my comfy chair under my comforter of love.

And I don't even have my port in yet. If this is a precursor of the roller-coaster of emotions I am to endure over the next few years, then I feel sorry for all of you. Because you are going to have to put up with me.

But even when you get tired of me I know Nate won't.